i spent 8 hours in the darkroom today, not to mention the other 6 i spent there yesterday. i have printed at least a 100 pack of paper's worth of images. i am so exhausted and probably going to get cancer from all the fumes i have enhaled and all the chemicals that went on my clothes. and its not like i dont enjoy spending hours on end in the darkroom. its the opposite, i love it. but when my mind is filled until its going to burst thinking about all the college crap i have to get done and how much effort i am putting into this UPenn app, it starts to get burdensome. its as if in these past few weeks that i have been compressed by gravity itself. all i have done is app stuff and printing in the darkroom. i have gone out a total of twice my senior year, and one of those nights i was the driver. i didnt even really celebrate my 17th birthday. that occasion in itself was like another distraction i couldnt deal with just yet, it became a burden as well. i cant begin to fathom going out and having fun again. by the time im ready to come out of my room, everyone else will already be in their rooms, doing what i have been for a month already. i want it to be december 15 and i want it to be a joyous occasion. so fucking badly. it hurts. i have never worked so hard for something i have wanted so badly in my life. i want it. i need it. i have to have it. and its one of those things out of my control. celeste morgan in philadelphia holds my fucking future in her hands. the first true critique of my photographic body of work will happen without my knowdledge of what julie schneider and her colleagues have to say about it.
i am so fucking scared. i have worked so hard and i just really want to feel good about sending in the app. i want to send it off with no regrets. except for not having cured cancer or saving all the children of africa. but well, its too late to do any of those things.